In recent years, the idea of self-care has finally become something that a lot of people talk about. In discussing this, you might have heard people refer to things like daily gratitude logs, meditations, several trips to the gym each week, or going on long walks in nature. When you become a parent, your mental health is challenged more than it probably has ever been in your life. Between sleep deprivation, hormones, a lack of time for yourself, and the anxiety of trying to keep tiny humans alive, the concept of doing things to keep yourself feeling okay becomes even more vital. During this time however, you are likely to find it harder than ever to fit in solo activities. If you are having a hard time with the way you are feeling, someone telling you to get more sleep by ‘sleeping when the baby sleeps#; or advising you to find time to go and exercise alone can make you feel worse due to how impractical it usually is. In addition to this, self-care doesn’t have to be an activity but rather treating yourself I’m a caring way and listening to your needs, which then leads to you advocating for yourself.
The pressures of parenthood can be pretty immense. Your head gets filled with unsolicited advice that piles on the guilt. Every parenting decision you make can feel like it is being judged by others; how your baby is fed, where they sleep, how they sleep, how soon you want to spend time away from them (whether you feel guilty for wanting time away or bad about not feeling ready for a while). It can also feel pretty isolating and then when you try to connect with other parents, the comparisons between babies can start in your mind and add to the anxieties.
All of this, mixed in with; having to adapt relationships with partners, trying to figure out who you are now, and trying to manage your home life and parenting, make the idea of looking after yourself seem down on the priority list and also pretty impossible. BUT it should actually be right at the top of your priority list in a way that feels manageable for you. The ‘self-care’ elements don’t have to be huge or time-consuming. They do need to be regular and manageable, so that you can feel able to cope and so they don’t feel like another added pressure to the huge juggle of your life right now.
For this post, I’ve set out to compile a list of manageable self-care tasks and cheats that are realistic for parents. This isn’t an exhaustive list and I know that everyone has different lives that can make room for different things, but these are all things that either myself or other parents of young children that I know have fit in and found helpful. Some are activities and others are ways of talking to yourself and responding to things that also make a difference to how you feel (see, those ones don’t even take up actual time so can be slotted in). Take this as a starting point and hopefully the nudge you need to give yourself permission to think about yourself for once and get creative in how you do this:
- Let go of preconceived plans. Most people go into parenting with some pretty firm ideas of things they do and do not want to try. This might be relating to co-sleeping, feeding, screen time, having a set routine, exercising, or anything really. You can’t know how you will feel about these things when you actually get the baby. Although it’s good to have something you have an idea about when it comes to parenting as it can ease anxieties by making you feel more prepared, these quickly turn into internal (and sometimes external) pressures that lead to questioning choices and a lot of self-doubt. Try to keep in mind that you can’t know what your baby will be like or how they will respond to things and so although you can have some ideas, the way they are when here might change this. Because of this, it helps to remind yourself that these are loose plans and ideas and can be adapted with more information.
- Do things whilst feeding. Yes, it can be good to do some eye contact whilst feeding at times, but you don’t always need to do this, and you can also multitask. Some ideas are; watching TV, reading a book/Kindle, or putting one earphone in to listen to music or a podcast.
- Keep yourself fed and hydrated. This can be hard to keep on top of (unless you get the tired munchies) but try and put things in place to make this as easy as possible. Get yourself a nice water bottle and an insulated cup for hot drinks and have these next to where you are likely to get stuck with the baby. Get your partner to make or buy some healthy (and treat) snacks and put them within easy reach too. It isn’t selfish to put the baby down to make yourself a hot drink, it might be the way you can feel ready to engage with them later.
- Join a buggy bootcamp. We all know that exercise can help us to feel good and if you feel/are able to leave the little one to go to the gym or do some other exercise regularly then that is great. If this isn’t feasible for you then have a look into exercise classes that you can take the baby to, like buggy bootcamp or baby yoga. There are other parents there with no judgement if your baby fusses, and the people running the classes often hold any fussy babies to help out. Babies also seem to love them.
- Find a short joint activity with your partner that doesn’t require much brain power. You might feel a bit disconnected from your partner in the parenting haze, between lack of alone time and possible crankiness with each other while trying to figure out your routine, and although typical advice to go on regular dates in great, you might not feel able to manage this. Having something you can do together each evening or even less frequently can help. This might be an easy-to-watch TV show but it can be more helpful to have an activity you are likely to talk during. For me, I used Mario Cart on the Switch for my first baby and now have been doing bits of the new Hogwarts XBox game with my partner for half an hour when the big one is in bed and the little one is asleep on me or feeding. It could also be an evening short walk with the pram.
- Baby wear. Not everyone’s cup of tea but if you or your partner like the sound of it, give it a try. It can help you to get your hands back to eat, drink, or do tasks around the house that you might need to do to feel less anxious. It can also help the little one settle and sleep and can be used to make things like shopping trips easier. You can check out a local sling library for advice and to borrow them.
- Do Scan and Go. Shopping can be stressful but is necessary to feel on top of things and to also keep yourself fed etc. If your local supermarket has a scan and go, this takes the pressure off a lot. If baby gets too fussy or you get overwhelmed, you can just stop shopping at whatever point you are at, quickly head over to the till to pay, then leave straight away as everything is already packed away. This can help to build confidence for trips out and can also help with feeling independent, which can be hard in those early weeks where you might need more help.
- Check out of parenting brain regularly. This is a really important one. You might eat, sleep and breathe parenting at first but a lot of people struggle with not feeling like themselves. Try to find time every day to do something not relating to parenting. This can be reading or watching something, but might also be doing something you are passionate about such as bits of work or a hobby (or writing a blog). It can even just be going online and looking at things that don’t involve parenting blogs or research, like watching funny videos or shopping for things for yourself.
- Get out of the house. Fresh air and a change of scenery can be a huge relief, even if it seems daunting at first. The fresh air can not only refresh you, but it can often help the baby to sleep and give you the chance to multitask. So put the baby in the pram and put some earphones in, use the time to listen to music or a podcast or even call a friend to talk to. Even better, walk to somewhere that sells hot drinks if you can or take one from home so you can enjoy a hot drink whilst out (and possibly a bonus cake).
- Say yes or no to visitors and socialising. Listen to what you need. Some people find that they feel too isolated with a baby and so scheduling regular meets with family, friends or just other parents by attending classes might be necessary to feel okay. If you aren’t in the head space for this and need a day at home alone to stay in your pjs and not talk to anyone, listen to this too. Also pay attention to the type of visitors you are having. Ones who come and want to see the baby and stay for ages can be exhausting, but those who hold the baby and send you the shower or bring food/do your washing can be a big relief.
- Do however much housework you need to. People tend to advise new parents to ignore housework for a while until you get into the flow of things. This can be great advice if you feel able to do this but for a lot of people, completely leaving some things might add to anxiety. You might need a tidy house to be able to relax or have older kids that need clean clothes, or the idea of someone visiting when you haven’t tidied at all might be really uncomfortable for you. So have a think about the minimum you need to do to feel okay (even if this is none) and decide with your partner (if you have one) when this can be fitted in and build it into the routine between you. This might be deciding who will keep on top of washing and sterilising bottles and when, or you might build a routine of putting washing in when you get up. Also remember to say no to visitors if you don’t feel able to let them see your home in the way you are keeping it, or arrange to go to them instead. This takes the pressure off panic cleaning.
- Say no. A lot of people feel pressured into doing things they don’t feel ready to do or have the energy for when they have a baby. This can increase anxiety and lead to low mood. This is officially your permission to say no when you need to.
- Stop Googling. Just. Stop. Especially at night when you feel overwhelmed and can’t follow up any concerns easily with a medical profession and need to get a bit of sleep.
- Look after your appearance and/or hygiene. Everyone has one thing that they tend to find makes a big difference to how they feel about themselves. This could be; using a moisturiser, having nice nails, gelling your hair, having a shower, shaving. Whichever makes the bigger difference to you, try and add it in to your day as regularly as you can. Even if you are sat in dirty clothes with your hair a mess and some mascara on, try to do it when you can.
- Stop tracking and analysing and trying to ‘fix’ everything. Society now seems to promote the idea that babies are supposed to sleep through the night alone in their cot with no help every night and self soothe. This can lead to us constantly worrying and trying to fix things, increasing stress. When you accept that not sleeping and needing parents is developmentally normal, you can relax more and focus on creating a routine that works for where your family is at (that includes the self-care stuff) when you stop trying to plan your days around attempting to get your baby to do what they aren’t ready for.
- Find your ‘tribe’ and use them. If possible, find parents at the same stage as you (through baby groups or online or via apps) and create a WhatsApp group or similar so that you can share experiences and ask each other for advice. This is the main thing that can help you to feel less alone on the middle of the night feeding, having someone else messaging you. Make sure the people you create this with share the lows as well as the highs, we don’t want competitions or comparisons but being able to say ‘has anyone else’s baby just refused to nap today?’ or, a favourite ‘does anyone else’s baby have poop this colour?’ can be really helpful. Meet them regularly too if possible.
- Have realistic ideas about things like getting fit after birth or being able to go out with your friends or date nights. As discussed earlier, things can completely change based on how you and your baby are when earth side so have ideas of what you like to prioritise and let these be realistic and flexible. Whether you gave birth or are just not hour usual level of fitness due to the sleep deprivation and sugar seeking stage, try to be kind to yourself and have realistic goals that are attainable when it comes to making changes. You can talk to a personal trainer with relevant experience and outline where your life is at currently to get a suitable plan and goals.
- Figure out what ‘rest’ means to you and what you are most lacking, and try to incorporate this in when you can. This might be physical relaxation where you relax your body through brief meditations when the baby is asleep, sleeping in the day if you get a chance, and just generally having a day in the house if you feel overstimulated. You might also need emotional rest or an emotional outlet, such as journalling when the baby is feeding or napping, or regularly having discussions with a friend/family member/partner about how you are feeling. It might even involve disengaging from friends who are more emotionally draining at times. Creative rest could be giving yourself a creative outlet that you don’t usually get such as drawing/painting, baking (particularly when you start to wean your baby and might be making food anyway- make some of your own favourite treats), and you can incorporate this into parenting by creating things that your baby uses for sensory play. Playful rest is also really important as life can feel pretty serious as a parent and you sometimes need to find times to be silly and unproductive.
- Rest when the baby sleeps. The typical advice to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ is something that I have only found one parent ever able to do. If you can manage it and need to catch up on sleep then by all means do this (you’re a parent, of course you always need sleep), but there are a couple of reasons why I don’t specifically recommend this. One is pressure on the way they sleep. Safe sleep recommendations strongly caution against sleeping with baby on you or on couches etc. Particularly in the early months with babies, it can be hard to get them to sleep not on you, meaning you feel pressure to put them somewhere safe so you can sleep. A lot of babies struggle a lot with this as they want to be on a parent and the unrealistic expectations about getting them to sleep alone can increase your stress levels, impact on your thoughts about your parenting, and generally can lead to babies sleeping less when they are getting disturbed during transfers. That being said, you can look at the guidelines for the Safe Sleep Seven and have a nap in your bed co-sleeping together if you can and want to do this. The other main reason I suggest resting during these times is because we often don’t have time to do those activities listed above when baby is awake. No matter how tired you are, you might find that sometimes prioritising activities for yourself or meals two handed makes a bigger difference to how touched out you feel. If possible, don’t use this time to so chores- see the point about what housework to realistically keep to and then try to figure out a way to do it when they are awake so that you can have nap times just for you. This might be baby wearing, putting them in a bouncer, doing the tasks when a visitor comes to hold baby or another parent.
- 30 second dance parties. Any time of music can help us to de-stress and this can involve singing, dancing, or just listening to music. Any Greys Anatomy fans might be familiar with the idea of ‘dancing it out’ when feeling upset or angry, where you put on some music and dance around for 30 seconds. Babies love music too so they would happily do this with you or sit back and listen as you did it alone. Any ways of healthily showing and managing your emotions are great parenting wins too, as it will eventually teach your children to express and manage their own emotions.
- Focus on the good stuff, but acknowledge the bad too. It’s great to do gratitude logs and focus on the positive aspects of life right now but also have a rant or moan when you need to. Complaining or acknowledging something is hard doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful and the concept of just ‘thinking positively’ can quickly turn to toxic positivity and make us feel like we are supposed to only focus on the good. I will say it here- it is completely normal and okay to get ‘negative’ feelings about parenting. You are allowed to find it boring or stressful or miss your old life. This doesn’t mean that you can’t also be glad about your decisions. Equally, you can also have doubts about parenting.
- Add to the baby bag. If you realise that you are forgetting to do a certain task for yourself regularly, include what you need for this in your baby bag so you can do this when you remember later in the day. This might be a travel toothbrush and toothpaste to brush your teeth or cereal bars/snacks. It could even be bits of some of the above activities so if you find the baby asleep when you are out, you can use the opportunity to get out your book or gratitude journal or nail varnish etc.
- Prep your baby bag when you get home. Sometimes, the idea of getting ready to get out with the baby can feel too tiring and can lead us to avoid it, even if we need to get out to feel better. You can also lose track of what you need to replace before going out the next time so if you do this when you get home, it gives you one less barrier to going out next time.
- Consider environmental changes. Take a look at where you and baby spend most of your time and also where you go to relax. See if you can do something to make the baby environment more convenient and organised for you (like using nappy caddies to have things close to hand) and really try to focus on having a space that promotes you feeling relaxed or good about yourself. An example might be using a salt lamp in your bedroom as a night light as it gives a calming glow for you and baby, or having you and your partner (if applicable) in separate sleep spaces at times so one of you at least catches up on sleep and can then help the other more the next day.
- Stop constantly questioning your parenting choices. Parenting has no ‘right’ way to do things. Choices you make in parent will be based on a combination of how all of the parents involved were parented, what type of lifestyle you have, your combined values, what your baby is like, any research you might have done, and how you feel day-to-day. No two people can have exactly the same combination of these things as you so try to keep this in mind when tempted to compare yourself to others and doubt your choices. No one is a perfect parent so as long as you make decisions based on your values, it’s hard to gowrong.
- Shower when you can. As hot and as long as you can make it. This can be a brilliant pick me up when you don’t have time for a nap. Try introducing a face or body scrub that smells nice or reminds you of a spa. Even if you can only fit in a 2 minute shower, it’ll give you a moment of calm
- Take the pressure off yourself to remember everything. Put any medicines or vitamins for your child on your pillow, first thing in the morning. Even if you forget to use them there and then, you know they’ll be there at night.
- Embrace voice notes. It can help you feel connected to someone – and offer the chance to express how your days going – without the pressure of organising a phone call.
- Try to refrain from the “I’m up anyway attitude”. If you have another caregiver to support you, allowing them to burp or do a nappy change in the middle of the night, can give you a little time to reset.
I hope this list gives you some ideas. If you do find yourself needing some support because you are still struggling with high levels of anxiety, low mood, intrusive thoughts, or any other element of your mental health, then please prioritise asking for help. The sooner you get help, the quicker you tend to be able to work through what is going on. You can go to your GP or talk to your midwife or health visitor. You can even access support privately by searching for reputable therapists near you or via Zoom. Some key worries that make new parents reluctant to reach out are fear of children being taken away, reluctance to take medication, and also worries about the practicalities of accessing help. Firstly, health professionals work extremely hard to help parents and keep children with them unless as a last resort and they see someone reaching out for help as an amazing sign. Secondly, nobody can force you to take medication. You can always discuss any fears or reluctance regarding medications and either take them feeling better about the decision (so for example there are resources highlighting safe mental health medications when breastfeeding or doctors and therapists could explain how to only use it in the short term if your fears are about long-term medicating) or you can say no to a prescription and ask for alternatives. Finally, even if you aren’t ready to leave your little one to attend therapy, there are always options to take them with you or have Zoom/telephone sessions from home. So don’t rule it out if you need support and please reach out ASAP.
Also keep a look out for other blog posts and topics and you can follow the therapy website on Facebook and Twitter to see any other tips and topics relating to emotional wellbeing.